So the paperwork seems to be resolved. I had the right collection of documents sufficiently well completed to handle what was needed. Or anyway I'm not aware of any glaring deficiencies, so the day could be declared an editorial success. Not sure how much that gains me, overall.

It was a harrowing couple hours of silent dissatisfaction -- almost exactly like the last 5+ years of the marriage. Causes differ but effects carry on pretty much as everyone has assumed they always will. Hadn't realized that aspect of the thing, but it's so clearly true. Reactions stay what they've always been whatever the stimulus. It's like everyone is checked in sufficiently to recognize the cues for familiar responses, then they trot out those reactions and wait for the next cue. It's something like the opposite of improvisational comedy -- tragedy by rote.

I decided along the way not to continue participating in the old crap patterns, but I continue to second-guess how much I helped to establish them in the first place. I was there, I was being myself. I don't see any way to deny contributing to that. Stands to reason that I had to. I kind of hate that realization. In self-defense I could say that I didn't intend that. Who does? We all participate and find out later, if at all, what we were busy about back before. And that's before even thinking about active self-delusion. That's just routine obliviousness.

But I decided to break out of that. Go me, guess.

So now I'm obsessing about a stack of Word documents that may or may not be correctly completed. Because that is important right now. And it is It is also familiar -- something I can successfully manage. By rote. On cue.

Ps: I held $98,000 in my hand for 30 minutes. Then it become someone else's.