So for a year since the separation and most of 2 years before that, I've been dealing with the reality of the end of this relationship. Longer than that, if you count back to the first try at counseling. Longer than THAT if you consider what was going into that counseling and how it went.
So today we went to the courthouse and filed papers with the county to wind up the process. That sounds like an awful, bureaucratic way to state what happened. But what happened was plain old boring bureaucracy. We filed papers with the county. What the fuck difference should that make?
It does, though. It felt hard and heavy. My thoughts at the time were that it could have been SO much heavier. She took it easy on me. She could have made it suck worse than it did. She just walked through it. I admire that.
But fuck it. This has been wrong. It's not moved even a speck in the direction of right. It's been and will continue to be a mismatch. Less pain to both of us to stop doing that.
Right?
I don't hate her and never did. I'm kind of bugged that I'm not more angry than I am about being dumped and blamed and pushed into HER box. I feel that I should be. I am at some level. I just don't seem to make decisions based on that anger. I don't know why I don't and others do, seemingly. But it's apparently true.
So the reality has sucked its special kind of ass, and I've gotten used to that. The new reality seems to promise better, and I have imagined getting used to that. But there's this gap. Today is part of the gap. I guess.
Or it's me being stupid or stubborn or both or whatever. I don't know the rules and I have only my own glimpse of reality.