Peachy

My world is a green swarm

booker@dreamtimers.net — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 15:21:00 GMT

I was just trying to take out the trash this morning. I have to do it in the morning, because I do NOT want to meet the white-striped neighbors in the process, and that's a whole lot more likely at dusk or during the evening. So now I have NEW neighbors to worry about.

The neighbors

booker@dreamtimers.net — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 03:27:00 GMT

No sure where Mama was.

Floors are done!

booker@dreamtimers.net — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 02:18:00 GMT

Pattern mismatching

booker@dreamtimers.net — Wed, 21 May 2008 21:58:00 GMT

So the paperwork seems to be resolved. I had the right collection of documents sufficiently well completed to handle what was needed. Or anyway I'm not aware of any glaring deficiencies, so the day caudle declared an editorial success. Not sure how much that gains me, overall.

pattern mismatching

booker@dreamtimers.net — Fri, 02 May 2008 04:04:00 GMT

So the paperwork seems to be resolved. I had the right collection of documents sufficiently well completed to handle what was needed. Or anyway I'm not aware of any glaring deficiencies, so the day could be declared an editorial success. Not sure how much that gains me, overall.

It was a harrowing couple hours of silent dissatisfaction -- almost exactly like . . .

OK, come on now.

booker@dreamtimers.net — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 13:58:00 GMT

People: They are Just. Shoes.

Do you want this?

booker@dreamtimers.net — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 03:57:00 GMT

So. The last of the court's paperwork is about complete. Didn't get it done within the 20 day period that would have avoided the requirement to have a court appearance. Oh, well. We'll spend 20 minutes at the City & County Building. I seriously don't expect it to take more trouble than a traffic ticket, and I don't know how I feel about that.

The weird thing is that it's paperwork. So I've been telling myself for a while. It's not the important part. But it turns out not to be just paperwork. It was already a very unexpectedly heavy slog. Then she looked at me and said "You want to do this?"

Well, fuck. It's only been years, with two useless turns through couples counseling and endless repetition of the same fucking discussion/argument and no change and not even any significant communication about anything not completely practical. So, yes I want to finish this stupid fucking paperwork.

But no, I don't want to reject you and throw away all this history. I don't want this divorce. I just don't have the energy to take another run at something that will only end up as in yet another emotional, logical freeway pileup. And I don't want to try again, and fail again, to explain it to you.

Circles of Time

booker@dreamtimers.net — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 03:55:00 GMT

Dunno what I did to deserve these fucking back spasms. I've not had trouble with this for a long time now, pretty much since I started working on strengthening the core muscles after the pinched nerve incident 4 years ago. Before that, lower back pain was a pretty regular problem for me. But especially over the last couple years, when I've done a regular gym routine, I've had almost no problems.

Then wham yesterday morning. I was fine at the gym and when I arrived at work. Stood up to go to a meeting at 10 am, and my back informed me that it was just plain fucked up. I don't remember tweaking it in any specific event. The ache was just suddenly there, like it always had been, and I just wasn't noticing it for a while.

The only explanation I can think of is that I got out of the morning gym routine while traveling to the PCA event. I wonder if I'm now addicted to the stupid exercise, and the bod is going to go into withdrawal spasms if I ever skip. Weird.

And another thing that's weird is counting back to realize that the pinched nerve thing was 4 years ago. Seems much more recent than that. I remember all the PT appointments that did me virtually no good at all, despite the best intentions of the hot young therapist woman. Seems like last fall to me, not three falls ago.

But then the 3 Sided Whole trip was 3 years ago, and that seems like ages back through the dim mists. Must be all the emails since that are marking the days and hours since then. Or my sense of time is just completely skewed, which is not unlikely, I'm sure.

What I learned today

booker@dreamtimers.net — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 03:54:00 GMT

LAX - Auckland - Sydney - LAX would cost about $2K. I still wonder how cheaply I could stay lodged there for, say, a month with nonobnoxious levels of couch surfing, camper rental (or car + camping gear rental), etc. etc.

Darwin! The Great Barrier Reef! Fistfights with beery Aussies outside cheap Sydney pubs at 1am! And Cassie specifically *invited* me!!

And whoa! The fare drops to $1500 if I schedule it for August instead of July. That would be their spring, I'm thinking. And thinking and thinking and . . .

Clerical reality

booker@dreamtimers.net — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 03:49:00 GMT

So for a year since the separation and most of 2 years before that, I've been dealing with the reality of the end of this relationship. Longer than that, if you count back to the first try at counseling. Longer than THAT if you consider what was going into that counseling and how it went.

So today we went to the courthouse and filed papers with the county to wind up the process. That sounds like an awful, bureaucratic way to state what happened. But what happened was plain old boring bureaucracy. We filed papers with the county. What the fuck difference should that make?

It does, though. It felt hard and heavy. My thoughts at the time were that it could have been SO much heavier. She took it easy on me. She could have made it suck worse than it did. She just walked through it. I admire that.

But fuck it. This has been wrong. It's not moved even a speck in the direction of right. It's been and will continue to be a mismatch. Less pain to both of us to stop doing that.

Right?

I don't hate her and never did. I'm kind of bugged that I'm not more angry than I am about being dumped and blamed and pushed into HER box. I feel that I should be. I am at some level. I just don't seem to make decisions based on that anger. I don't know why I don't and others do, seemingly. But it's apparently true.

So the reality has sucked its special kind of ass, and I've gotten used to that. The new reality seems to promise better, and I have imagined getting used to that. But there's this gap. Today is part of the gap. I guess.

Or it's me being stupid or stubborn or both or whatever. I don't know the rules and I have only my own glimpse of reality.